Funny Facebook Status and Messages

When matchbox falls from your pocket

Posted by M K D, Admin

Diwali is pretty much the only time....
When your parents don't look at you
suspiciously
When a box of matches falls from your pocket...

I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.

Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.

Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other..

I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze.

That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don`t realize your friend walked away.

Definition of human being: a creature that cuts trees, makes paper & write “SAVE TREES” on the same paper.

Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you Guys.

I don’t believe that love comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt. LOLz

Relationship Status and tasks

Posted by M K D, Admin

IF UR IN LOVE:
- Make the best of it.
- Don't doubt anything.
- Enjoy it bcoz nothing lasts 4ever.

IF U JUST BROKE UP:
- Don't cry! Remembr that u had a gud time.
- Never stay alone! Ur friends are Der.
- Hug more people.
- Stop listening to sad music! It only make things worse.

IF UR SINGLE:
- Stay happy:)
- Hang out with friends and family.
- Try looking 4 sumeone who you think is da best for u.

IF UR MARRIED:
-Game over just delete dis msg n get back to work.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Most of the girls like shopping

Posted by M K D, Admin

92% of the girls like shopping!
Remaining 8% obviously don't

100% of the boys are searching
for that rare 8% girls population...

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.

We are WTF generation …. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook :D

Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL

It’s been 70+ years, Tom. You’re never going to eat Jerry :)

I am not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time . . . . . . . . . lunch time, break time, bed time, this time, that time, any time, all the time. :)

Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.

I am sure I have a defective iphone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore. The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is “Salary is Credited” :)

God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China :)

Who doesn't Love you is like bating

Posted by M K D, Admin

Loving someone who doesn't #Love you,
Is like bating When you need 37 Runs in 6 Balls...


You know it's Impossible,
But you still have a small hope
That #ISHANT will bowl the over..

Friday is my second favorite F word.

For all the girls that say ….. All guys are the same …… Who told you to try them ALL.

Every girl deserves ONE GUY who looks at her every day like it’s the first time he saw her. And Im that ONE GUY :)

I think I got a fever, a fever of you :)

Its better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat.

Most emotional moment in a boys life, When a girl says, Can you give me your number :D

Dear Google, Please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. :)

There’s like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world … huh

Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make a bad person.

I don’t usually sleep enough, but when I do, it’s still not enough ;)

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lolz

The only thing I gained so far in 2013 is weight :)

When boy & Girl Loves Truly

Posted by M K D, Admin

When a boy #Loves truly
he behaves like a child..!.

But

When a girl loves truly,
She behaves like a mother..!!

Excuse me …. Plesae empty your pockets …. I think you stole my heart.

Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW.

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi :)

I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat :)

I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday :)

Please GOD if you can’t make me slim, make my friends fat.

For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember thats where the knives are kept. :)

Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

The definition of a beautiful girl is one who loves me :)

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something :)

If you meet Rajnikanth What you want to do

Posted by M K D, Admin

If you meet #Rajnikanth...
What you want to do ?
1. Hug him
2. Take a picture with him.
3. Read Jokes about him and laugh together.
4. Get blessing.
5. Beg him teach you all #awesome things he does.
6. Watch his movie #Robot with him.
7. Get his #Autograph.
8. Ask him to play cricket with you.
9. Go on a long drive with him.
10. Have a dinner with him.

Write What you want to do in the comment. You can choose more than one.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!

Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them :)

Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you are so damn funny.

How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday :)

Funny Job Interview by a candidate

Posted by M K D, Admin

FUNNY INTERVIEW
Officer : What is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir

Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Matric Pass

Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir

Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Mind-blowing Personality Sir

Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance... ?

Officer : MP !!!
Candidate : What is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Puncture...

Nothing is illegal until you get caught :)

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. :)

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won :)

Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

TODAY has been cencelled. Go back to BED :)

I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. :)

Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.

At least mosquitos are attracted to me.

It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.

Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying.

It is a sad fact that 20% of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the remaining end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones.

Yamraj To Santa Tell your Last Wish

Posted by M K D, Admin

Yamraj To Santa:
"Your Time Is Over,
Tell Your Last Wish"
.
.
.
Santa: "I Want
To See Manmohan Singh,
Speaking To Salman's Wife.....

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D

Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lol

wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting?

Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

James Bond after watching Rajni's film

Posted by M K D, Admin

JAMES BOND comitts sucide
after Watching Rajni’s Film
WHY.?
Rajni had empty gun,
Villain fired at him;

He Catches the BULLET puts
It in his gun & kills the villain.

X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.

Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Life’s a bitch, if it were easy it’d be a slut.

I’d call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Alwayz keep Your lovers photo in phone

Posted by M K D, Admin

Alwayz keep ur lovers photo in ur phone

Because

When ever u face any problem look at ur
lovers photo nd think if U can handle this
then u can handle any problem ;)

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.

Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.

Flirtationship: More than a friendship and less than a relationship.

X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

Why all Wives are horrible and bitter

Posted by M K D, Admin

Once a man asked #GOD,
"Why all #GIRLS are so #SWEET
and all #WIVES are horrible and bitter?"


God answered, "Because girls are made by me
but wives are made by you"

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.

Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.

Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, And then look at neighbouring table n wish you”d ordered that.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.

If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking :)

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :)

Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.

FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END

The human brain is amazing. It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exam or are in love.

The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic..

I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience…

I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT..

My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business.

My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning

Reason Why she Blocked Me

Posted by M K D, Admin

She Updated her ?#Status
"in Love with ?#RanbirKapoor "

So I Changed my Name to Ranbir Kapoor
and ?#Commented "Love U too Babe "

And She ?#Blocked Me !!!

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions :)

I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice :)

Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “you can’t fire me, I Quit!”

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.

That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left…

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read..

I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep :)

3 ways to catch a Tiger

Posted by M K D, Admin

3 ways to catch a Tiger :

Newton's Method -
Let the tiger catch you and then
you catch it ..

Einstein's Method -
Chase the tiger until it gets tired and
then catch it ..

Indian Police Method -
Catch a cat and beat it until it accepts
it's a tiger !

Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters..

I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.”

I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!

Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

In bed, it’s 6AM you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 7:45. At school it’s 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 1:31 I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)

GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.

Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels. (From All Bachelor Girls Association) :)

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases!

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…

Member of back Bencher's Society

Posted by M K D, Admin

Qualities of #MBBS
(Member of back Bencher's Society)
1. U shud come late nd last in class.
2. never disturb the respected sir
3. ur eyes shud never b fully open
4. never bring pen, borow paper nd pen 4m grls.
5. never make notes,y 4 r those front benchers...lol
6. U shd always try to show ur creativity on tables...
7. prepare all the pending assignment.

God If you can't give me Partner

Posted by M K D, Admin

Dear GOD...


If you can't give me
a Best Partner..
Please..


Make all my friends.. SINGLE!!"

I am getting married next month

Posted by M K D, Admin

I am getting married next month.
its small party
and only few people will be invited.
dont bring any gift.


just bring someone who 'll marry me. ;)