Facebook Jokes Status and Messages

terrorists have kidnapped our lecturers... and demanded aransom of 500000 rs or else they will burn them with kerosene... plz donate. i have donated 15 litres.

can you lend me 2000 Rs? i need it. please help me out, i know you have it, i wil return it .a Banta asks to ATM machine???????

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

One day Raja and rani decided to send messages to each other by using Pigeon instead of mobile. The very next day pigeon reached raja without any message. He angried and called to rani.She told stupid "This was a missed call"

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :)

Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a girls brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

We are the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

It’s not true that I had nothing ON….. The radio was ON. :)

Someday you may lose your hair.you may lose your teeth- oyur money & even lose your mind.But 1 thing you will never loose is oyur good looks.because you cant lose what you don?t have!

Doctor to Banta : You will die within 2 hours.Do you want to see any one before you die?Banta : Yes. A good doctor.

A scientist cannot b a president,but kalam did it.A conductor cannot b a superstar,but Rajini did it.A monkey cannot operate mobile,but u mere lal, mind blowing?.. (u did it)

Hey friend remember that without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty so the world needs YOU after all!

On a romantic day Banta?s girlfriend asks him,?Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring??Banta : ?Ya sure, from landline or mobile?

2 days of power cut in Delhi had made life miserable worst affected was "Delhi metro station" where families of Santa and Banta were stuck for 48 hrs on.... Escalators

Son - I want a baby brother .Mom - your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over it .Son - why don't u give him a surprise?

A newly married girl got first class in her B.Ed exams. Her husband sent telegram to her parents - Ruby First Class in Bed!

What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.

When your GF blocks u on facebook…… Its called an electronic divorce :)

If people could see the face I make when I read their facebook status updates, they would probably unfriend me.

I love it when someone’s laugh is funnier than the joke.

Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

What do u call a woman in heaven? - An Angel. A crowd of woman in heaven? - A host of Angels. And all woman in heaven? - PEACE ON EARTH!

Banta falls in luv wit a nurse.. After much thinking, he finally writes a luv letter 2 her: "I LUV U SISTER"

Girl : Mom, i m in love with a guy.. Mom shocked : How old is the boy & what is he doing Girl : 3 month & kicking happily in my stomach..

Santa and Banta were fixing a bomb in a car.Santa : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.Banta : Don?t worry, I have a one more.

A man was dying of cancer.His son asked him:dad why do you keep on telling everyone that your dying of AIDS.He replied:?So that when i die no 1 will touch ur mom?

A boy came running in the kitchen,Boy:Dad, There is an ugly monster at the door Dad(Looking at his wife):Tell him we have already got one!

Sardarji to others:Did anyone lose money wrapped in a rubber band?One said, Yes I did Sardar: Well, it?s your lucky day,I found the rubberband!

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.

Whatever you do always give 100% ….. Unless you are donating blood :)

I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.

I never let my best friend do stupid things … alone.

We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up …….. after I finish laughing :)

Banta 2 friend: Guess how many coins I have in my pocket?Friend:If I guess right, u give me 1?Banta:Oji, I will give both of them

Customer : How much is that banana for?Salesperson : Rs.10 Customer : Can you sell it to me for Rs.6?Salesperson : At that rate, you will only get the banana peel!Customer : Okay I will buy the banana for Rs.4 , but you can keep the peel!

2day i have not sent Sms 2 anybody Except U.2day i have not thought about anybody Except U.Because my policy is?one day one fool?..!

There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.

I hate when skinny girls say,”omg I’m so fat”. If you are fat does that make me a whale?

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Tuesday.

Husband:u will never succeed in making that dog obey u!Wife:Nonsense it?s only a matter of patience,I had a lot of trouble with u at first.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife,You know, I was a fool when I married you. She replied, Yes dear, I know but I was in love and didnt notice.

I have lots of jokes in my inbox,But I can?t send you all of them,It will take a lot of time,So I?m sending you just 1 joke

--------?You are so beautiful?

God made us body parts for a reason.Eyes: to look at you Hands: to pray for you Mind: to remember you Heart: to miss you and?Legs: to kick you if u ever forget me!!

Wife:-I will die.Husband:- I will also die.Wife:-why will you die?Husband:- because I can't bear that much happiness

Gang of Santa-Banta broke a bank, but instead of cash they find bottles of chilled red wine...happily they drink and left next day headline~ Braking News ~"Blood Bank Robbed"

Aftr robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?Clerk: Yes. Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!

Husband: Kal mere khawab main ek larki aye thi. Wah! Kia Larki thee!Wife: Akeli ayee hogi?Husband: Tum ko kese pata?Wife: Uska Husband mere khawab main aya tha!

Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

Keep.....................IN TOUCH WID ME.....OTHERWISE............................1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 ALL..........UR TEETH WILL B BROKEN!!!

Ladies hostel caught Fire It took 1 hour to bring the Fire under control & another 3 hrs 2 bring d Firemen under control.

What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear,? A car is too dear and A monkey is U dear.

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.Husband is liver & wife is kidney.If liver fails, kidney fails.If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

Man: Officer! There?s a bomb in my garden! Officer: Don?t worry. If no one claims it Within three days, you can keep it.

Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)

I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day. :)

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me. Sincerely Wikipedia

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.

How to make a woman go mmmmmmm all nite long? …………………….. with Duct Tape :)

Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?

FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute…… Ummm, wanna work out?

I did in the bed. I did it on the couch. I did it in the car. Texting is such an obsession. :)

Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.

How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

Life without u is impossible,u r in my breath and blood.i cant stay for a second without u,if u r not there i am dead oye hello i am talking about OXYGEN

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write for mothertongue.?Santa: Very long!

I have a confession to make ever since i met u its been hard for me to 4get u every night i see u in my dreams and find myself shouting GHOST GHOST

Dear parents, we know money doesn’t grow on trees, that’s why we are asking you for it.

I’m not stalker. I am an unpaid private investigator.

I have a date tonight, with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.

Instead of single as a marital status, it should read independently, owned and operated :)

Congratulations … You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft. Lolz

From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec,From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed.For me, you?ve always been?a headache !

Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ?Mind u - it?s really very very urgent,damn serious and very imp ?I?m playing cards and we?ve misplaced the JOKER.

A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly? The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!

Q: Why dogs don't marry? A: Bcoz they are already leading a dog's life!

If i need "Brain Transplantation" I will prefer your brain...don't think that you are a genius.......... i need a brain which is never used before

Twinkle Twinkle little star,You should know what you are,And once you know what you are,Mental hospital is not so far.

Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher:?can kids of our age have kids??Teacher replied ? NO Never!!?Boy said to girl :?see i told you not to worry!!!!?.

The real reason women live longer than men b’coz they don’t have to live with women.

Don’t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain’t. :)

Man at medical store:I need poison Chemist: I can?t sell you that Man shows his marriage certificate......................Chemist: Oh! sorry,I didn?t knew u had a prescription

Last night was my fault,my wife asked,?what?s on the TV??and ?.. I said, ?dust!?

Today, tomorrow and yesterday there will be ?one heart that would always beat for you ?You know Whose??? ? your Own Stupid!!!

i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday :)

Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?

There is a sign in the toilet of the sex change clinic. It reads: We may never piss this way again.

Gal: Do u have any sentimental love cards? Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says 'To the only boy I ever loved' Gal: Great! I want 10 of them.

Man : How old is your father?Boy : As old as me.Man : How can that be?Boy : He became a father only when I was born

When u feel sad?.To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,?damn I am really so cute?u will overcome your sadness.But don?t make this a habit?..Coz liars go to hell !!!!

Which are the 2 latest versions of java. Think... think... think... Marjava & Mitjava

Lady drinking coke, machhar falls in. Lady takes it out, machhar says "MAA"! Lady asks why did you call me "MAA"? machhar says, "Main teri coke se nikla hoon, MAA!".

Death is God’s way of saying you are fired. Suicide is humans way of saying, I quit.

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. Lolz

There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients :)

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn?t it rain on you?

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?Son: No.

The animals of a jungle have decided to hold a meeting. The lion has come, the tiger has come, the elephant has come, the monkey has come.. But The meeting hasn?t started. Guess why ? Because the Donkey is busy reading this SMS!

Hello, this is GOD. I make few bad creations but you are the worst monster I ever realised. My apologies on behalf of the whole world.

Girl: when we get married, i want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. boy: it's very kind of you, darling, but i don't have any worries or troubles. girl: well that is because we aren't married yet

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?

I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent :)

We love Facebook but we hate the face of book.

Dear math, Im not therapist so solve your own problems.

Today’s Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME :)

It's the sweetest thing to do. Do it the bed, on a sofa, in the bathroom or anywhere! U must never stop doing it. It's called Prayer! God bless ur naughty mind.

Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business? Student: "Father in law".

An englishman, bihari & punjabi were standing on roof. They decided to throw down whatever was available in excess with them. Englishman threw pounds, Bihari threw rice & Punjabi threw the Bihari down.

Great Calculation: Only 20% boys have brains. Rest have Girlfriends

An engineering student to his sweeper brother: I have got degree, I have got knowledge, I can sit in society. What do you have? Sweeper: I have the job.

Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you've always been a headache!

A baby fish asked her mother: Y can't we live on earth? Mother Fish: Earth is not the place for FISH, it's made for selfish.

What's the difference between wife n neighbours wife? Wife is a chocolate, can have any time. Neighbour's wife is like an ice-cream, shud hv immediately.

Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

Facebook is the second most popular word that starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’ :)

You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.

Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones to make.

You have lot of curves and I have no brakes ;)

I haven’t slept for ten days, bcoz that would be too long.

Newton's Law of Romance LOVE CAN NEITHER BE CREATED NOR BE DESTROYED, IT CAN ONLY BE CHANGED FROM ONE GIRL FRIEND TO ANOTHER

Its INTERNATIONAL GOOD LOOKING DAY! send this to someone that you think is gorgeous, dont send it to me as I have had 100s already

This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number. We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

Marriage:It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? na Munna na its called high B/P..

When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!

At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

Santa was drawing money from ATM.Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I?ve seen ur password. It?s ****.Sant: U r wrong. It?s 1394.

When u feel lonely and alone& cannot see any one around you,the world seems to be fading away,come along with me i?ll take u to an eye specialist !!

Wats d height of hope??It is: sittin in d exam hall,holdin d question paper in hand n tellin ur self?dude,dnt worry.Exams wil get postponed!?

2 men went 2 a callgirl.1st went in and came out n said?Na my wife is better.?2nd went in and came out n said?U R right ur wife is much better.?

girl friends are like mobile phone, whenever you want happiness just check inbox, whenever u want to cry check out box, and whenever u want to enjoyment just plug in your charger and enjoy.

Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where the fu*k is my roof

Do u know similarity between Dinosaurs and Decent Girls? Both don't exist.

What do you call a female who never laughs? "HASINA"

"Women",cant live with them....cant live without them.

Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.

Insert coin to view my status messages.

The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.

I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot.

You wanna see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie. Lolz

Dear Facebook, Just wait, one day they will leave you too. Sincerely, ORKUT

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Good news! A new way to send Romantic kiss to your girlfriend. Just call me and order your kiss. I will personally go and deliver it.

Monday went on Tuesday 2 Wednesday and asked Thursday whether Friday has told Saturday that Sunday is a holiday. Have a Great Sunday...

Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

A Love Letter from BISCUIT MAKER- Dear Marie, Today is Good Day, U r Anmol for me... But U have Crackjacked my Heart, Bcoz I have a Little Heart, Now I m in 50/50 position...

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

Beauty is not how you look, it is not how handsome u r, it is not ur figure too... Beauty is the inner self, so change ur underwear daily.

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

Taking revenge is wrong… very very wrong… But very very fun…

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It’s not fair that some men should be happier than others.

A hot secretary came angrily out Of boss cabin. Her colleague asked: What Happened? You went inside in a happy mood. She replied: He asked me are you free tonight? I said absolutely free. That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!

Human brain is the most outstanding object in world.It functions 24 hours a day,365 days a year.It functions right from the time we are born,and stop only when we enter the examination hall.

Catch her by her waist?Bring her home..Keep ur hand on her neck Put ur lips on her lips & have a ??nice drink?PEPSI

Teacher : What do you call a personwho keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? Pupil : A teacher.

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire??Millionaire: ?I owe everything to my wife.?Interviewer: ?Wow, she must be some woman.Interviewer: ?What were you before you married her??Millionaire: ?A Billionaire?

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes!Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!!

Bitch also stands for beautiful, intelligent, talented and charming human being.

Why do U think I SMS You? Is it because I care? Or I miss You? Or I love You? Or I need You? No ! It’s because I need a person for just time pass. :)

If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.

I don’t understand how Super Mario can smash blocks with his head but dies when he touches a turtle.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Dream makes everything possible, Hope makes everything work, Luv makes everything beautiful, Smile makes all the above... So always Brush ur Teeth

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?

Hey, you have eyes, I have eyes, we have a lot in common!

Men are like parking spaces; The good ones are taken, and the only ones left are handicapped.

You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I promised my friends that I wouldn’t date bad girls anymore.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

Please help the homeless. Take me home with you.

Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.Raju: No! I will not be able to attend it.Teacher: Why?Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far !!

Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover?Banta: Your honour,it?s easier to shoot a woman once,than shooting one man every week.

U r a nice person?but..U have to do 2 things early in the morning?1st. pray to God so that u can live?.2nd.take a bath so that others can live?.

Teacher : Correct the sentence,?A bull and a cow is grazing in the field?Student : ?A cow and a bull is grazing in the field?Teacher : How?Student : Ladies first.

A recently fired stock trader said ? ?This is worse than divorce? I have lost everything and I still have my wife??

Boy: I am not rich like rohit, I don't even have a bid car like rohit. But I really love you! Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about rohit..